VINTAGE, back with a bang.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Copied this from gabbie's blog.its so deliciously funny.just the type of humour i like!

To all Employees,Effective January 2007

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and/or carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you can buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

Sick Leave

We will no longer accept any doctor's certificate as proof of sickness.If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Holidays

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Compassionate Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers, even if it is crying. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. Should there be rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.

After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink Slim-Fast.

Obese people get 0 minutes for lunch so that those people belonging to the above-mentioned three categories can benefit.

We thank you for your loyalty to our company.Remember, we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and inputs should be directed nowhere.

Best regards
Management

This is a computer generated letter. No signature is required.

5/26/2007 11:19:00 PM sheryl; you better let somebody love you/Before its too late #